The Bathrobe Knight: Volume 3 Read online

  “And mine!” Minx enthusiastically agreed. “You have to share with me too!”

  “Enough, guys. This isn’t really the time to joke around.” Daniel’s voice almost sounded scolding as he tried to stop the two, his face as stern as ever.

  “Daniel, it’s just like Darwin said: We don’t have a choice in the matter. We have to have faith in the players that sign up with us, that they won’t kill NPCs. But it’s not like it’ll be hard to make sure they don’t successfully go turncoat, you know?” Mclean shrugged.

  “Huh?” Daniel asked, and even Kass found her face twisted up in confusion.

  What am I missing? How will this not be difficult? Kass wondered, desperately trying to put the pieces together.

  “Look, avoiding them backstabbing us for this specific quest is going to be easy. It’ll be just like that time I gained five pounds over winter and wanted to lose weight by cutting out all the sugar in my diet.” Mclean pinched her belly. Kass wasn’t certain how her real-life figure looked, but her in game avatar didn’t have an ounce of fat to pinch. “I don’t have any willpower, so when I wanted to make sure I didn’t eat any sugar, all I did was not buy any. That simple.”

  “That’s . . .” Kass’s eyes shot open wider than a lawyer’s mouth when she was trying to defend herself. “That’s brilliant!”

  “Oh . . .” Daniel grimaced, almost like he was cursing himself for not figuring it out sooner. “So all we need to do is move the objective out of reach. Then we won’t have to worry about people turning on us to achieve it,” he said and nodded. “Mclean, don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re not the smartest one in the group.”

  “Psh. You talkers always think that violence first makes for slower wit. It just means I don’t bog myself down with unnecessary details. Right, Minx? Now, all that Minx and I have to do is stab them all to death!” She threw a few more air stabs and then helped Minx back on top of Fuzzy Wuzzy.

  “Alright, so, since the two objectives are a non-existent Hell-portal and Darwin, we really just only need to get rid of Darwin without him realizing it, I take it? So we don’t offend him?” Kass confirmed their line of thought. “It’s like we’re trying to throw a surprise birthday party for him, and we can’t let him home until the place is set up?”

  “Right. Since Daniel and Kitchens already talked him into going to check out the town, we don’t have anything left to do.” Mclean’s boastful face further let them know that a lack of brains wasn’t one of her shortcomings. She had already spun an entire web while they were trying to catch the fly with chopsticks.

  “Well played, well played,” Daniel laughed softly. His expression was hard to read, and Kass couldn’t tell if he was kicking himself or just admiring Mclean, but there was also a good chance it might have been a touch of both.

  “We should probably also send Dad with Darwin,” Minx suggested.

  “Any particular reason?” Kass asked, not entirely seeing the logic in giving up both of their most defensively-capable, front-line fighters.

  “I think playing by yourself is lonely, that’s all.” Minx didn’t even look up from petting Fuzzy Wuzzy as she answered.

  “True, but I could go with him instead.” Kass remembered Charles’s warning to stay by Darwin. But I haven’t accepted the offer yet, so it’s not like I have to.

  “Ah, I see your plan. Just the two of you, a nice quiet adventure by yourselves, him relying on you for support and you acting like the damsel in distress at just the right moment.” With each word Mclean used to lay out the romantic encounter, Kass could feel her face start to heat up and grow flushed. The only way that Mclean could have been more obvious is if she had started singing, ‘Darwin and Kass, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.’

  “I . . .” Kass wanted to cover her reddening cheeks. She could feel the blush growing by the minute. “That wasn’t my intention at all! Besides, he’s way too old for you to be joking around about us like that!” she said, falling back on a long-retired excuse.

  “Are you sure he’s too old? I mean, if that were your game plan, well, I suppose Minx, Valerie and I could make do. Otherwise, I agree that Kitchens should probably be the one to go with Darwin.” Mclean’s lips slowly curved up into a devilish grin, and Kass could almost hear Mclean laughing behind her teeth. It was as if her smile were really saying, ‘Your move, Kass.’

  “Why Kitchens though?” Kass decided to switch attack routes. Why am I fighting for this anyways?

  “Dad spends all his free time with me. It’d be nice to see him hang out with a friend for once,” Minx replied. Fuzzy Wuzzy raised his head to nuzzle Minx as she was talking and almost knocked her off his back.

  “Alright then, that’s settled. We’ll just tell the two that they’re off on a fancy quest by themselves when they get back, and the rest of us will hold down the fort and try to save the NPCs from evil questers!” Daniel’s face had lost a bit of color over the course of the conversation, but he turned things back to safer ground with a good helping of gusto.

  Kass, realizing that Darwin would be spending the entire day away from her, was about to speak up and just take the bullet. Mclean’s grin finally split all the way into a laugh, and Daniel and Minx joined in as well. “Kass, you are way easier to tease about Darwin than Valerie,” Mclean said, chuckling so hard that a snort escaped.

  Hmph. There’s really no shot of staying close to Darwin to get more info on Stephanie now, is there? Kass deflated like a spent balloon.

  Darwin:

  “Do you guys really have to change the logo and the color scheme?” Darwin grumbled at Justin Yoo. “Can we not just extend the length and reinforce the flap so Mr. Katana doesn’t kill me?”

  “I want to see his bathrobe longer than a dress! It needs to go all the way down to his ankles!” Kitchens almost barked at Justin.

  “Sir, we can’t do that. He still has to be able to move in combat,” Justin protested. Darwin agreed, but he wasn’t sure how to either voice his opinion or to calm the angry parent’s ire.

  Did Minx even really see anything? he asked himself, sparing a glance south before looking back at the furious father. “I’m actually going to agree with Justin. I don’t need it that long.” He felt his life expectancy drop with each word.

  Kitchens, glaring at him, didn’t seem to want to budge on his demands. His left eye twitched twice before he finally just let out the breath he had been holding in, causing Darwin to do the same. “Fine, fine. Make it like it was before. Just remember to take his new height into consideration this time,” Kitchens said, giving up. Then he looked at Justin and started speaking as if Darwin weren’t there. “But if our fearless leader flashes my daughter one more time, you and I are both going to be looking for a new commander.”

  “Uhh . . . Okay, sir.” Justin just shifted where he stood and then looked back at Darwin. “And, yes, the new design is necessary. We have picked out one that is perfect for you. What do you think?” He handed Darwin a scroll.

  Darwin opened the rolled-up parchment up to see a design in the middle of it. The image was still a circle, but this time, instead of two swords crossed over a spoon, it was an image of his zweihander stabbing into a mountain over the background of a spoon. So I guess the mountain is Lawlheima, and this is my sword. “Are you guys going to make me get a new symbol for the bathrobe every time I switch up my weapons?”

  Justin looked at one of the other Demons, the tailor he had called over when he had first asked for help. They both shrugged simultaneously and looked back at Darwin with such perfect coordination that a mirror would have struggled to mimic better timing. “Absolutely,” they said together.

  Kitchens’ frown cracked upwards a bit on the sides. “It must be great to have such enthusiastic followers,” he said as he nudged Darwin with an elbow.

  Yeah, just great. “Wait . . . How come you got onto me but not Daniel?” Darwin voiced an obvious question he hadn’t thought about until just now.

  Kitchens paused for a m
oment and then looked at Justin. "We need to also make sure that Daniel’s bathrobe is long enough too."

  Ah, so it's just because you didn't think about him at the time, Darwin chortled to himself a bit. You didn't come to my defense, so don't expect me to come to yours, he thought as he found himself unable to suppress a smile over Daniel’s new predicament.

  "Alright, well, Justin, the design looks good. Just try to get the bathrobe back as soon as possible, will you?" Darwin pleaded with Justin to rush the process as the guard darted off into the dungeon. Technically, he didn't need to. The bathrobe they had lent him to change into so that they could work on the other was perfectly adequate. The only reason for the rush was that Darwin greedily wanted the bathrobe with higher stat bonuses back so he wouldn't have to choose between the extra attribute points or the time needed to make a return trip. Well, I suppose one of them could easily bring me the bathrobe wherever I'm at like it was a pizza being delivered between spaceships in some futuristic movie . . . But that probably would lead to risks of its own, and I don't want to put tipping culture into this untainted video game world or be the first guy to stiff the delivery boy. Neither option would make me the good guy, would it? He laughed at himself again. Oh well, I can wait a few minutes, I guess.

  "So are you sure that searching out this quest giver is such a good idea?" Kitchens scratched the side of his face. "It just seems like a bad idea . . . like you're upset a few worker bees are trying to attack you, so you're off to assault the hive."

  "We can hope that it goes a little bit more smoothly than that, can't we?" Darwin chuckled. "But who knows? Maybe if your metaphor holds up, I'll find myself some honey."

  "Are you sure that's okay to say? What if one of the girls finds out you were talking about risking your life for some new honeys?" Kitchens was the one to laugh this time. While he hadn't been doing it much earlier, Darwin should have guessed that Kitchens, being a father, would be very comfortable with bad wordplay and puns.

  "Who says I am risking my life? It's not like dying in a video game will kill me in real life." Darwin felt very happy to be able to say this with confidence.

  “Ah, that’s right. We have a few minutes, right?” Kitchens asked as he watched Justin fully disappear into the distance.

  “Yeah, I suppose we do. Why?”

  “Well, there’s still something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about . . .”

  “Oh? What’s up?” Darwin wasn’t entirely in the mood for a serious conversation, but Kitchens had always been patient and heard him out, so there was no justifiable reason not to extend the same courtesy.

  “Ah. Here. Hold this.” Kitchens handed him a giant wooden sword. It wasn’t nearly as large as his zweihander and resembled a wooden katana, but it was at least a foot longer and three times heavier than what someone would expect from such a weapon. Darwin had never seen or heard of such a practice weapon before.

  “What’s this for?” Darwin looked at the sword, thinking that it might be a gift or something. No sooner did he open his mouth to ask why he had been handed the blade than Kitchens had already brandished one of his own and attacked him. The attack was simple, right down the middle with an overhead blow. Darwin raised his own weapon up to stop the blow, but the assault continued. The incoming sword struck Darwin’s and slid down it and off to his left. Darwin backed up and shifted his large bokken so that his hands, both of which were gripping the hilt, were on his left too.

  “To help us talk,” Kitchens said as he pulled his sword in an upwards cut at Darwin, causing it to glance off his downwardly-angled blade off to the side.

  “Kind of hard to talk like this though.” Darwin did his best to get out a few words as he shifted his blade upwards to block Kitchens’ next blow.

  “That’s a matter of perspective,” Kitchens said with a smirk. He slammed his bokken into Darwin with a downward slice on Darwin’s right side and kicked Darwin in the stomach at the same time. Darwin momentarily dropped his defenses after being stunned by the kick, so Kitchens bopped him on the head with a quick tap of his bokken right between Darwin’s horns. “This seems rather easy to me. Wouldn’t you say?”

  Darwin rubbed the spot on his head and then gripped his sword again. “This isn’t the best place to be doing this. What if I lose it again?”

  “Lose it? The only thing experiencing a loss will be your sloppy form.” Kitchens showed all his teeth when he smiled, and Darwin found it a little disconcerting. “Again,” Kitchens demanded, extending his blade out with both hands.

  “I don’t want to do this here.” Darwin pleaded, but his hands had already sprung into action as he struck Kitchens’ extended bokken and followed it up with a strong right to left slash. Kitchens, parrying from his left as Darwin had before, easily diverted the force and then matched it with his own pressure, attacking with the same motion he had used to parry. This time, his weapon went all the way through and knocked Darwin in the stomach whereupon Kitchens followed it up with a hit to Darwin’s back.

  “You say that, but you attacked first that time.” Kitchens wasn’t just laughing and smiling: his whole face was curling up towards his eyes and ears with such a happy look that it almost looked like a kid discovering candy for the first time--or like that same kid finding out twenty years later that he no longer had diabetes. Before Darwin could fully straighten himself out and recover, Kitchens extended his wooden sword once more. “Again.”

  “I’m telling you: This isn’t the right place to do this. What if something bad happens?” Darwin complained again. He held his ground for a moment this time, but his resistance was short lived. Kitchens’ sudden swing came diagonally at Darwin from his lower left. Darwin wanted to back up and parry it, but his instincts kicked in, he moved to his left this time, rotating around Kitchens, and made a thrust that nailed Kitchens right in the sternum. He expected Kitchens to grow upset, grimace or even make at least one grunt at the blow, but the other man just chuckled again. What is with this guy? He’s taking all of these risks unnecessarily. And why is he so happy right now? Has he gone mental?

  “Darwin, you’re lying to yourself,” Kitchens laughed.

  Where is this coming from? Why is he laughing so much? Darwin didn’t understand the sudden shift in Kitchens’ personality as the usually-zen tank-top-samurai held his sword up again, extending it straight out with both hands. Again. Yeah, yeah. I get it. Again. He grumbled to himself as he dashed forward to grab the blade with his actual hands, but the blade shifted higher as Kitchens jerked his hands upwards and to Darwin’s right. Darwin then met the bokken with his own slash and knocked it even higher and farther to his right. Taking advantage of the gap and the fact his blade was already there, he attempted to lunge forward in an attack. As soon as his blade was struck, Kitchens freed his right hand and used his palm to push the flat of Darwin’s weapon away so that it careened off in the same direction as his own sword. Darwin’s hands were both still clenching the hilt of the detouring piece of wood, leaving him wide open for Kitchens to dart in and use his elbow to strike Darwin in the solar plexus.

  Crap. He’s good, Darwin thought. He wanted to sigh in frustration, but found it a bit hard between wheezes as he tried to recover his breath. “What happened to us talking?” Darwin tried reason one more time, raising his bokken to defend himself as Kitchens assumed an open stance once more. Right foot only slightly forward, left foot back, knees bent--is this always his fighting stance? He just walks at his enemies? Darwin waited for the incoming attack from the jubilant madman, who was again oddly still cackling in front of him. “I’m not lying,” Darwin insisted one more time. “I really don’t think this is the time or place.”

  There was a sharp cracking sound. Darwin’s bokken was hit so hard with a fast downward cut that it almost fell out of his hands as Kitchens advanced again, following up the blow with a straight jab. “Lies, lies, lies,” he said and let out a snicker as Darwin deflected the wooden sword jabbed at him with his left hand and followed it
up by shoving his own elbow into Kitchens’ chest this time.

  “Why are you laughing so hard?” Darwin finally let his confusion escape his lips in an exasperated sigh.

  “Why am I laughing?” Kitchens paused and scratched his left cheek for a minute. “Well, it’s because you’re over thirty years old, and you’re not even a real person. You’re too busy lying, covering yourself with a shell of other people’s identities, stringing it together through some series of expectations on how you’re supposed to behave. It’s funny.”

  “I am not,” Darwin grimaced. Am I?

  “Darwin, I already know who you are. You are fire--someone who has never made peace with himself, a flame that exists by burning the spirit of its own being, raging against itself endlessly.” Kitchens held his bokken out and looked up and down the blade, the cackling laughter gone, but the grin remaining. “You are a murderer.” Kitchens moved his bokken like he was going to adjust to Darwin’s left, but it was a feint as he twisted it around in a quick circular motion, Darwin’s own weapon being led astray by the fake-out until the tip of Kitchens’ sword was pressed against Darwin’s throat. “I can see it in your eyes.” Kitchens stepped back, reassuming his stance. “You’re like I was: a pyre fueled by your own soul.”

  “I thought you were water?”

  “Water? Hmm. Yes, I am. A man’s nature changes when he has a daughter. I was fire; now I am water. You . . . You’re still fire. You’re still lying. It’s okay. I never told myself the truth until long after I had changed, and that makes it funny for me to see it in you.” Kitchens finally lowered his blade and sighed, but he didn’t lose his jubilant expression. “Darwin, he’s about to be back, but I think you should consider our conversation.”

  Consider what? All you did was attack me! “What’s there to think about?”