The Bathrobe Knight Read online

  Darwin:

  Darwin rubbed his eyes as the light faded from around him to find himself in the middle of a rather beautiful grass field. The front lines? What front lines is he talking about? This is just a plain, empty field. Though, it's probably for the best. I'm not sure I'd be able to get myself even a proper death with just this spoon? If only it hadn’t had such a pretty emblem on it, I would have grabbed the knife first, Darwin thought, looking at the weird dragon crest that sat on the top of the tiny spoon. God, this field is beautiful though. It’s just like the field in one of the video games, except with much better graphics. Is it always this beautiful outside?

  As Darwin stood in the middle of the seemingly-empty grass field, he began to hear a faint scream in the distance. "Aaaaahhhh!!!!!!" What in the heck is that? he wondered. "Aaaaaaaaahhh!!!!" The noise kept coming closer and closer to Darwin. Is that a man coming at me? What is he doing? Is he holding an Axe? Holy crap! He's holding an Axe! What the hell, man? He's holding an Axe, and all I have is . . . is a Spoon? What the heck do I do? Is he still screaming? How does he keep screaming for so long? I’d have run out of air a while ago. It’s at least been a minute. Darwin was not wrong either; it had been at least a minute since the gray skinned, Axe-wielding bald man had shown up in dented iron plate mail and started charging him while yelling.

  As the man grew closer, screaming louder and waving his Axe like an idiot, Darwin started to get even more annoyed with the noise. First the robber, then the pushy, short Burger King kid who thinks a spoon is a weapon, and now this annoying man ruining a perfectly peaceful field with his loud, obnoxious screaming as he charges from like a mile away. Darwin’s face reddened, and he looked at his Spoon then at the man who was now almost five meters away from him and decided to use the only tactic he knew: he threw the Golden Gilded Dragon Spoon of +10 SHUT THE HELL UP right at the bald Axe Knight.

  Critical Hit! +100% Damage!

  Criti . . . it worked! The spoon had done exactly like the butter knife and hit the charging psycho right in the eye, leaving the man, much sturdier than the thief, awkwardly stumbling backwards and trying to rub his eye with the same hand that was holding the Axe. Darwin charged the remaining distance and punched him as hard as he could in the face, causing the man to finally fall on his back where Darwin finished him off with his Blood Soaked Slippers of +10 Face Kicking. Darwin couldn’t help but notice that each kick to the enemy’s face produced a red number above his head. 32, 32, 32. Is that how much Damage I’m doing? If that’s how much Damage I’m doing, does that mean the Spoon doesn’t do any Damage at all?

  Unarmed Combat Proficiency has improved.

  Skill “Weapon Throw” has improved.

  Dull Iron Axe has been added to your Inventory.

  You have gained 1117 EXP.

  You have reached Level 4!

  You have reached Level 5!

  This again? Darwin thought as the dinging sound queued the annoying pop-up windows. He wanted to know more about what the heck was going on, but he couldn’t take his eyes off his feet. No? Annoying white circle, you’re not going to send me off to meet another crazy guy with a weapon or Ronald McDonald?

  He waited a few minutes and then, finally deciding the white lights weren’t going to interrupt him again, he sat down and did what any good gamer with years of experience playing MMOs would do in his situation: he tried to figure out how to hit the C button and bring up his character screen. “Stats! Character Screen! Abilities! Information!” he kept chanting out loud, expecting another ding and status window. Then, in a final act of desperation, shame and humiliation he caved. “Help Menu.”

  Welcome to wonderful world of Tiqpa! Would you like to take the beginner’s tutorial?

  Every bone in his body wanted to scream no and Go die with a thousand other obscenities at even the thought of a tutorial, but he just couldn’t think of another way around it. “Yes . . . I want to take the tutorial.” Deep down, a part of Darwin died as soon as the words left his mouth.

  Great! In the world of Tiqpa, controls are accessed through thought rather than action. It may take getting used to, but if you look directly in front of you and think “Tiqpa Character Screen,” a character screen will appear.

  It was the world’s name that he had been missing. Tiqpa Character Screen. No sooner had he thought the words than a blue gamer box appeared, much like the ones that read out his level ups, and the beginner’s tutorial began.

  Think “P” to pause at any time or “Rewind” to rewind the tutorial at any time. Now, if you will notice at the top of your character screen, your Name, Race, Job Class, Level, Current EXP and how much EXP you will need to reach the next level are listed in the main status bar.

  - Name: Darwin

  - Job Class: Novice

  - Level: 5

  - Race: Unknown

  - EXP until next Level: 373

  - Rank: N/A

  - Total EXP: 1402

  - Energy Source: N/A

  Race Unkown? This stupid screen, I’m human. How do I enter human? Or is it white? Do they do races like video games or election booths? Darwin was about to try to edit in the missing information when the tutorial interrupted him.

  Below the Character Information Readout (CIR), you’ll find a list of each one of your primary attributes.

  POWER

  The first attribute is Power. Power adjusts the player’s muscles and density to increase strength and collision Damage when in combat. Each point in power roughly increases one’s mass versus the player’s standard frame.

  Your Current Power is 45.

  Power increases Melee Physical Damage. Current level adds an 18% increase to melee physical Damage and increases base physical Damage by 9.

  Power reduces Physical Damage Taken. Current level reduces physical Damage taken by 8.26%.

  Does that mean if I get a ton of points sunk into Power I’ll do a lot of Damage, but I’ll also be super heavy? I wonder how high this stat goes.

  SPEED

  The second attribute is Speed. Speed directly increases the speed at which a player may move, making it an important attribute for both offensive and defensive players in physical combat, allowing the player to do more Damage and evade attacks.

  Your Current Speed is 45.

  Speed increases Melee Physical Damage. Current level adds a 9% increase to the Damage of all melee attacks.

  Speed increases Evasion. Current level adds 8.09% chance to evade targets with 1 Speed. [Note: in NPC vs NPC combat calculations, this attribute is based on the difference in speed between two opponents. For players, the speed stat will only augment their movement or reaction speed as they use their own quick-thinking to choose how and when they dodge attacks.]

  Speed increases Melee and Ranged Attack Speed: Current Level adds a 9% increase to the attack speed of all melee and ranged attacks.

  Ha! So speed is basically agility except instead of boosting ranged Damage it only boosts melee Damage? Well at least there aren’t any new concepts to understand so far.

  Vitality

  The third attribute is Vitality. Vitality determines the amount of health that a player will have as well as how much Damage a player will take from all Damage types. Vitality also reduces the effectiveness of diseases and poisons.

  Your Current Vitality is 35.

  Vitality increases Health. Current level adds 350 Health.

  Vitality decreases Damage from all sources. Current level reduces Damage by 6.54%.

  Vitality reduces the effectiveness of diseases and poisons. Current level reduces the effectiveness by 6.54%.

  Yeah, yeah, vitality. Of course. I wonder if I have a lot of health for my level or barely any.

  SPIRIT

  The fourth attribute is Spirit. Spirit increases the player’s Magic Effectiveness and Magic Defense.

  Your Current Spirit is 25.

  Spirit increases Magic Effectiveness. Current level increases Magic Effectiveness by 10%.

  Spirit in
creases Magic Defense. Current level reduces Damage by 4.76%

  What? There is magic in this game? I wonder if I have any spells. Does that mean I could get a spell to throw fireballs or call down lightning?

  CONCENTRATION

  The fifth attribute is Concentration. Concentration increases the player’s speed when casting spells and their magic defense.

  Your Current Concentration is 30.

  Concentration increases casting speed. Current level adds a 12% increase to casting speed.

  Concentration reduces Magical Damage. Current level reduces magical Damage taken by 5.66 %

  If this stat and Spirit were high enough, I could chain chain-lightning spells. This game is going to be amazing. It’s too bad I’m probably a super noob at the moment.

  When a player levels up, the player is given 5 to 6 stat points depending on race that the player may then allocate towards the stat they desire. Due to a racial penalty, this function is currently locked.

  What? I don’t get to decide where my points go?

  While Darwin was getting aggravated at not having the ability to customize his character, a short brunette in a white Dress that didn’t properly flow past her ankles tore out of the woods to his left, running from three giant 7 foot white-horned Minotaurs carrying much nicer Axes than the madman had tried to kill him with just moments ago. P--!!! Pause the tutorial! Darwin began to think over and over again until the ding finally sounded.

  You have paused the tutorial. If you would like to end the tutorial temporarily you may do so now by thinking, “End.”

  End! Darwin quickly looked around for the corpse of the man he had just killed moments ago hoping to find the Axe he was using, but only found his Spoon lying where the man had been just moments before. Oh yeah! Hope this works: Equip Dull Iron Axe! and no sooner had he finished thinking it than the Axe appeared in his right hand. He grabbed the Spoon too with his left hand for safe measure. Utensils had been working well so far after all.

  “Over here! Run towards me!” Darwin yelled at the girl as he charged in her direction. She obviously heard him because as soon as he said it, she scrunched up her face as best a person could while running and charged in his direction with the tail of Minotaurs hot on her trail.

  The Minotaurs were staggered out a bit with at least a car length between them as they ran towards the girl. Darwin took his trusty Spoon and threw it again at the Minotaur closest to her left, but it only hit one of his horns and bounced off. Darwin’s heart began to pound at this turn of events. He was fully counting on the Spoon hitting the Minotaur directly in eye, but instead it just bounced off his horn harmlessly. Not knowing what to do next, he grabbed the Axe and held it up like he was holding a flag. It helped calm his nerves for a moment as the white-Dressed girl ran past him full speed and didn’t even bother to turn.

  As soon as the girl passed him, he lifted the Axe all the way over his head and then did a running downward swing at the closest Minotaur. He didn’t really know what to expect next, but after 20 years of playing medieval video games and wishing he was the main character cleaving enemies asunder, he figured he might as well die trying.

  *CRUNCH* The Minotaur hadn’t even bothered to dodge or even change his course as the Axe came cleaving down and split the enemy’s skull in half. As soon as the Axe hit the enemy, red numbers popped up right above the enemy’s head.

  Critical Hit! You have done 242 Damage!

  Then came the ding sound, but no window popped up. I’m still in combat. Figures it wouldn’t tell me anything until the fight is over. One down, two to go. Darwin kicked the dead white-horned Minotaur and pulled his Axe free from its skull. That went way better than planned, Darwin thought, looking at what he hoped would be his next victim. Oh well, here goes nothing!

  As the second Minotaur entered range of Darwin’s Dull Iron Axe, he immediately swung his much better Double Bladed Axe in a long horizontal sweep. Darwin was barely able to take his own Iron Axe and use it to block in time, but the blow still sent him back a step.

  You have taken 72 Damage!

  This time when the red Damage numbers popped up Darwin knew it wasn’t the Minotaur but him who had taken Damage. As the Minotaur swung the Axe a second time in the same horizontal fashion, Darwin decided to try something different: he dodged. Then as fast as he could, he swung his Axe out to where it caught the Minotaur’s leg with the middle of the Axe’s shaft, and he pulled it with all his strength. It worked. The blade dug into the Minotaur’s knee and pulled the Minotaur right onto his back.

  You have done 124 Damage!

  Having finally gotten a hang of the combat mechanics, Darwin took his Axe and cleaved the second Minotaur’s head in two just like he had the first one.

  Critical Hit! You have done 248 Damage!

  The ding sounded again so Darwin turned his attention to the last Minotaur on the field. Even though he had killed two of the giant Minotaurs, his nerves started to give way as the third one came closer. The first one had been too easy, but the second one had almost killed him and that fact was starting to sink in. The fact that he could die. He got back into his awkward Axe stance where he was holding the Axe handle inches from his chest, and the blade was almost touching his face. Just one more. You’ve killed two already; you can kill one more. Don’t wimp out on me now.

  Darwin readied himself and was preparing to dodge the final Minotaur’s impending attack when a giant ball of ice zoomed over his head and hit the Minotaur square in the center of its hairy chest. The ball of ice didn’t disappear either. It slowly expanded from the spot it hit on his chest, growing ice all over the Minotaur’s body as the Minotaur dropped its Axe and began using both hands to try to get it off him. Now is as good a time as any.

  Critical Hit! You have done 248 Damage!

  *Crunch* This time when Darwin’s Axe dug into the Minotaur, the sound wasn’t the same bloody, bone-breaking crunch as the first two times, but it was close enough. It was still the sound of victory, a sound quickly followed by the now annoying *Ding!*

  You have gained 550 EXP!

  You have reached Level 6!

  You have gained 550 EXP!

  You have gained 550 EXP!

  You have reached Level 7!

  2 Sharp Double Bladed Iron Axes have been added to your Inventory!

  This time all the messages that had been stored during combat flooded his field of view as one giant update. I’m alive! And … Level 7 ey? Unequip Dull Iron Axe. The Axe vanished, confirming Darwin’s theory on how the Inventory system worked. He turned around to see if the girl he had tried to help was okay.

  “Thanks for the save. I thought those White-Horns had me. You know, they had been chasing me for almost 10 minutes before you showed up?” The girl was fine. In fact, she was more than fine. She was beautiful.

  “You don’t say . . .” he said, trying to keep his words to a minimum. He always made mistakes when talking to attractive girls.

  “I do. Most of the NPCs of the 8th Legion were decimated when they first pressed. I think I’m one of the few PCs to have made it out okay.” So it is a game. It’s a game and there are both playable characters and non-playable characters. NPCs he could kill without feeling bad to help him level. He wasn’t a murderer; he was a farmer. The grinding side of his gamer personality suddenly pulled a smile across his face.

  “Are you going back?” If it’s a game then that ball of ice was probably a spell she cast. With her, we should be able to kill the White-Horns. We should be able to level. I don’t know where I am, but I’m definitely not going to die out here because my name was gray to some PK.

  “Yes. I have a quest there. Did you want to join? I can share it?”

  You have been invited to Kass’s Party. Would you like to Accept or Reject?

  “Yes.” Accept.

  You have been invited to join Kass’s “Subdue the White-Horn Horde” quest. Would you like to Accept or Reject?

  Accept. Darwin smiled the same smile that
even his mother had once said was creepy. Equip Double Bladed Iron Axe. Equip Double Bladed Iron Axe. “Lead the way.”

  “Umm . . . before that. It’s jus . . . do you have any other clothes? Your Bathrobe may have opened up once or twice during the fight.” Darwin had forgotten entirely about his wardrobe since the event at his apartment had first taken place. No wonder he looked strange to the girl, he was standing there with only his blood-soaked Bathrobe and Slippers holding two giant, Double-Bladed Axes that had looked normal when carried by 7-foot-tall Minotaurs.

  “Oh, uh . . . no. I just started playing. Maybe you have some spare pants or shoes?”

  “No. Sorry. Let’s just go.” She pulled a staff out of thin air and started walking back to the woods she had just run out of minutes ago.

  “Sure thing, boss.” Darwin smiled. He not only wasn’t a murderer, but he was in a video game. He was in a video game with EXP and items! While most people would probably be terrified at the idea of needlessly charging into life threatening scenarios, Darwin’s gamer instinct to grind had fully taken over. He wasn’t Darwin. He was Arch Lance Ser NightVale off to conquer another world.

  Robert:

  The quiet hum of machinery filled a room that had otherwise gone silent hours ago. Normally, this time of night would have found the small room completely empty, everyone already having gone to bed. Working late nights was nothing new to Robert. Not only was it something that was expected of him as part of his job, but it was also something that he secretly relished. The day times were filled with the hustle and bustle common to any office space. Coworkers chatted away, keys were smashed in a noisy and often imprecise fashion, and the barely-audible sound of music traveling through headphones that was just loud enough to be a distraction but too quiet to make out any lyrics or enjoy were common.