The Bathrobe Knight: Volume 3 Read online

  “Well, you can tell them about Hunger,” Charles answered, “but we’d rather the information not go public. I don’t see your guildmates Minx or Kitchens telling anyone, and if they’re going to fight next to you within sword's reach, it might be best for them to know. But Kass, well . . . Just recently, we had to stop a live interview on G.O.R.N. where she was talking on camera, and you were the subject.”

  “She was doing an interview on me?” Darwin’s mouth hung open. What the-- Kass was doing an interview about me on national TV? What was she trying to tell them? There is no way she would tell them my secret . . . is there?

  “If you don’t believe me, you can ask her in a minute. She’ll be here very soon.” Charles nodded his head towards the door at he finished speaking.

  “I see.” Darwin waited for a moment, staring in the direction Charles had indicated.

  “Darwin, I am not sure why you’re looking so intently at the door. It’s not going to make it open any sooner. Frogs don’t boil faster if you watch them,” Stephanie laughed.

  “I think you mean water,” Charles corrected.

  “Did I?” Stephanie just brushed off his correction. “Anyways, the choice is yours, but you don’t have to make it now if there is too much pressure. I mean, you and I discussed some plans earlier in the cave if I’m not mistaken. You owe me some donuts and TV in our underwear.”

  Charles didn’t say anything at Stephanie's mention of scantily-clad couch-potatoing, but Darwin, still somewhat naive in regard to certain subjects, shifted uncomfortably in his chair again. “Well, since you all have worked so hard on Tiqpa for me” --Darwin had already decided that he didn’t want to sound ungrateful to people who had clearly spent a great amount of time and effort preparing a reality for him that didn’t involve him dying from insanity-- “then I’ll be taking you up on that offer. Just let me know what I need to do to make the experiment a success.”

  Charles grinned, his pearly-white teeth flashing as Darwin conceded. “We can go over it all in the morning. For now, just enjoy the night. Stephanie has already set you two up with a room, unless you want to stay in Tiqpa or here instead. We can provide any type of bed or accommodations you might need.”

  “No, I think I’ll be fine in Stephanie’s room.” Darwin smiled as he reached out and grabbed Stephanie’s hand on top of the table. It wasn’t that he fully trusted her--there had been a lot that she hadn’t told him--but none of it sounded like she had hidden anything for the sake of harming him, and he needed to trust her because right now his world was about to spin right off its axis. He might be free from the fear of being stuck in a game for all eternity, but he still wasn’t home, sitting in front of his computer eating ramen. He knew that place was long gone and lost to him. “I’m sure she’s got some fun games too.”

  “Yes, she is really into them. One time, she made an entire board of directors wait and watch for an hour while she played some weird game about stacking differently-shaped boxes.” Charles chuckled at the memory. “I don’t think anyone in that room had ever taken five minutes off work to even play a game, much less been forced to watch someone else play. Most of them spent the entire time staring awkwardly at the floor.”

  Darwin laughed at the thought of Stephanie playing games in front of a bunch of rich, pompous businessmen who were forced to watch her.

  “Psh. It’s not like they were going to do anything worthwhile in that meeting anyway. I swear, the only reason to even show up to those stuffy ordeals is to see all the frustrated faces when you catch those pretentious people playing on their phones and then watch them try to play it off like it’s no big deal. ‘Oh, I’m so sorry,’ they’ll say. ‘So sorry I got caught’ is what they mean though,” Stephanie giggled.

  “I’ve always wanted to know, what’s with the cookies and tea in those meetings? Were they originally supposed to just be tea time get-togethers to take a break from work, and some jerk tried to make them into something more?”

  “You’re supposed to serve tea and cookies during business meetings?” Charles reached up and rubbed his chin contemplatively.

  “Haven’t you ever seen that gag in a movie?” Darwin looked confused.

  “No, but I have seriously erred in life. I waited through an entire meeting the other day at Tiqpa’s main headquarters without a single chocolate chip cookie.” Charles frowned at idea of the missed opportunity.

  “Hey, if you’re going to start eating cookies at the meetings, you should schedule them around lunch and then not let anyone else bring their food or eat beforehand. Promise a meal afterwards or something, and then just eat the cookies right in front of them while you drag the meeting on for a couple of hours. Yeah, this is brilliant, Darwin. Good job!” Stephanie held up her hand, inviting Darwin for a high five, which he took.

  “You really like to torture the businessmen, don’t you?” Charles chuckled too.

  “It’s not just them. I like the idea of tormenting a lot of humans.” Stephanie’s flat-tipped pearly whites seemed like a set of fangs as she smiled. “It’s nice to watch them squirm.”

  “Only humans?” Charles raised an eyebrow.

  “Well, now that Darwin is around, maybe I’ll be able to conduct a study and see if I enjoy tormenting demons just as much.” Stephanie’s wry smile curved across her face in a manner that sent a slight chill down Darwin’s spine.

  Is she joking? He was curious, but decided he had best not think about it too much.

  “Well, I don’t think there is anyone here at the table that needs U.S. diplomatic treatment tonight, so let’s just enjoy ourselves while we wait on our guest.” Charles’s mouth spread into a smile even as his eyes remained expressionless. “After all, I have a feeling this will be the last time I ever get to meet a brother-in-law.”

  “Yeah. It doesn’t sound like, with my family history and all, I’ll have a lot of male siblings.” Darwin shrugged. He wanted to feel bad for his family members, especially all the guys who probably suffered gruesome fates before he came along, but it was like trying to get emotional over finding out one of your Internet forum friends had passed away. You never met most of them face-to-face, and even with the few you did, you still never really got to know them. The fact was that the relationships just didn’t really matter that much anyway. You’d already moved on by the time they died.

  “True, but with Darwin being the only male left right now, let’s hope you end up with lots of nieces- and nephews-in-law,” Stephanie said, biting her lip and raising a suggestive eyebrow at Darwin.

  “You’re not worried about the cheating that would require?” Charles had the most serious face possible as he asked this question, but as he attempted sipping more soda from a clearly empty can, he may as well have been questioning Stephanie while drinking from a twisty straw.

  “Nah. I encourage him to sow his oats. The more demons running around, the better. He just needs to remember whom he has to come back to.” Stephanie’s brilliant smile flashed again, the impression of fangs still clearly there.

  It was every anime-watching guy’s dream, the open-ended possibility of a real harem, but it just caused Darwin’s stomach to turn a loop. Even though it made sense--he needed to save his entire species from extinction, after all--he still wanted her to be the moderately jealous type for some reason. He wanted her to be upset at the idea that he might fancy another girl or two.

  “Interesting.” Charles didn’t say anything more. His question hadn’t completely killed the conversation, but Stephanie’s answer did.

  Kass:

  Kass fidgeted uncomfortably as she waited in the elevator. She had thought that G.O.R.N. had managed to deliver a long elevator ride, but this one was ridiculous. She had been boxed in between the two oafish-looking black-suited gentlemen for what felt like five minutes already, and she still had no idea what was going on or why she was being handled in such a manner. Had she committed some crime or something? Was the invitation her dad had passed on from his boss just a polit
e formality, or was it actually a meeting that couldn’t be turned down? Was this connected to her interview with G.O.R.N.? No matter how many times she ran through the scenarios that could have led her to being forcibly escorted out of a job, she just couldn’t arrive at a clear answer. She was left with only a sinking feeling of dread.

  Am I going to be locked away in some underground basement for potentially opening my mouth about Tiqpa flaws on television? What is with these basements anyway? First G.O.R.N., now Charles’s place? Did every rich guy decide to start competing for best elaborate subterranean office award? She gulped and smoothed her black dress for the umpteenth time since they had entered the elevator.

  “You really should relax, miss,” one of the men commented as he watched her fidget. “There really isn’t anyone who means you harm. You should just think of this as a very insistent dinner invitation. It’s nothing coercive.”

  Right, ‘cause kidnapping isn’t coercive. It’s just very insistent. Kass scowled. Wait, did he say dinner invitation? Wasn’t I offered food on the way over? Why would I be offered food on the way over if this is a dinner event? I’m not the main course in some serial killer’s kitchen, am I?

  “Miss, you can take deep breaths if it helps.” The man continued offering his assistance. “Perhaps even count down from ten to one.”

  “Does that really work for you?” Kass had to ask. It seemed more like something you would tell someone about to go under anesthesia.

  “I have my own methods.”

  “Methods.” The other man snickered. “Before his interview for this job, we caught him singing along and dancing to teen pop in the men’s bathroom. He didn’t check the stalls to see if they were occupied, and his soon-to-be supervisor was too embarrassed from the awkward meeting not to hire him. So, by ‘methods,’ he means that he sings like a girl with a fake microphone in front of a mirror while busting out dance moves that even boy bands would feel ashamed to do.”

  “What? Really?” Kass found herself laughing. She felt bad about it for half a second when she saw how red the subject of the story’s face was, but she couldn’t help it. Just imagining a giant, muscular man singing like a girl in an office bathroom was too funny.

  “Hey, it worked, didn’t it? I got the job, didn’t I?” He didn’t deny it at all.

  Kass wanted to facepalm, but the white blazer she had chosen to go over her black dress just didn’t give her that sort of mobility with her arms. They seem pretty calm about the subject though. Although, this one guy looks like he is about to pop a vein like an amateur surgeon drinking during his first operation. He’s getting more emotional than the lead protagonist in a Jane Austen book.

  Before the two men could go any further into the discussion, the elevator slowly came to a stop.

  “Miss,” the guard who had poked fun at his comrade spoke in a very hushed voice, “please don’t tell Charles that we joked around. He has very strict rules regarding staff.”

  “Umm . . .” She paused, wondering if she could extort something out of him with this information, but before she could come up with a good blackmail tactic, the elevator bell chimed and the door slowly opened.

  “What the heck?” Kass gasped as she saw the room. It was massive--empty, but massive. It was so spacious that she was struck with the impression that she could fit every one of her favorite starships from all the space dramas she had watched in there at the same time. The length and width of the room extended for what felt like an eternity; yet, there in the middle, three people were clearly sitting around a small white table. She couldn’t make out what they were drinking or eating, and it was too far off for her to make out what the big thing was right next to them. It looked like a giant, black sheet or something.

  As she and the two gentlemen walked towards the table, there were a lot of factors contributing to the self-consciousness that Kass felt. The greatest source of awkwardness, however, was the nearly-comical distance from the elevator’s door to the room’s center. The group at the table had stopped what they were doing, put down their drinks and dinnerware and turned to watch her walk across the empty expanse. She could feel them watching her as she took one echoing step after the other, and she couldn't help but wonder: Was the elevator ride as long as this walk? Why are they just staring at me? But even as she reflected upon her situation, it felt like no progress was being made toward the seated trio. This is ridiculous. This walk over there is-- Kass instantly lost her train of thought when she spotted something entirely familiar, but equally out of place--something that made this strange rendezvous infinitely more surreal: horns.

  Long, curved spikes were sticking out of the head of one of the people sitting at the table. Darwin’s horns. She recognized them right away. That’s Darwin, and that’s . . . Is that Charles? She started to piece together who the two men were as she came close enough to make out their faces. Kass at least had a vague idea of why she was there too. It was definitely related to Darwin.

  When she was finally close enough to the table for them to greet her, the man she suspected to be Charles stood up, followed by Darwin. The blonde girl, whom Kass didn’t recognize, just stared at her and started smacking her lips like she was chewing gum.

  “Good evening, my name is Charles.” The blonde-haired businessman extended one of his hands as Kass walked around the table to the only remaining empty seat.

  A butler behind her pulled the seat back, letting her know without a doubt that it was meant for her. Thanks, but was there any confusion as to who would be sitting there at this point? It’s not like you brought me this far just to have a guard sit down in my chair and make me watch him eat, right? Who would do that?

  “I trust you already know our guests. This young gentleman is Darwin, and this lovely lady is Stephanie.”

  Kass blinked. That’s Stephanie? She gulped. Why is she here? “Yes, I know them. Pleasure to meet you.” She did her best to fake manners. She was confused and unnerved, and just trying to control her emotions in the situation wasn’t easy.

  “We’ve already met.” Stephanie continued to smack her lips, giving Kass an evil eye that made her feel like spiders were crawling up and down her spine. “And who could forget little miss tattle-tale.”

  Tattle-tale? “I . . . I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Kass looked at Darwin, who didn’t seem to be happy with her either. “Who did I tell on?”

  “You don’t know? Psh. Don’t act innocent. I’m just happy the NSA isn’t as much of a bigmouth as you, or else we’d all be in a lot more trouble. But you know what? If they would just make an app, something that would automatically let me know when I scheduled an appointment by phone or whatnot, that would be great. Have a little pop up reminder like ‘Don’t forget that you told Frank you’d meet him at Joe’s around 4 pm. We have the recording!’” Stephanie smiled, but in a way that expressed a clear desire to bite Kass’s throat out.

  “Uh . . . Yeah. I don’t--” Kass was about to protest yet again, but she was cut off before she could begin.

  “Kass, stop,” Stephanie interrupted again. “Are you going to sit right across from me, look me in the eye and lie about being at G.O.R.N. just moments ago? Giving an interview where the StormGuard Alliance and Darwin were the main topics? Because, if you are, I-will-kill-you.” Her voice was peppy as she spoke, but she slowly enunciated every word as her head turned toward Kass in a twisted, doll-like fashion, never once losing its pristine grin.

  “I was,” Kass finally admitted. She had a very strong notion that this was what Stephanie had been talking about from the beginning, but, now that she knew clearly and was certain that Stephanie knew too, there wasn’t any point in trying to dodge the accusations. Stephanie scared the hell out of Kass. It was the type of deep, chilling fear that one might get when turning the corner of a trail at a park and coming face to face with a bunch of bears, all of whom stopped and stared at you. “But” --she figured all she needed to do was explain-- “I told them I wouldn’t give any
important details about Darwin. I never once mentioned Darwin’s condition where he . . .” she paused. Wait, wasn’t his condition—

  “That he can’t leave the game?” Stephanie finished Kass’s sentence for her then turned to the man in question. “Your eyes aren’t mistaking you. Darwin, go on and say something. You’ve been mute this whole time. She was snitching on you like there were thirty pieces of silver that had her name on them. Surely you want to know why.”

  “I do.” Darwin frowned. “I trusted you. Why would you go and blab to someone about me? What if they had wanted to do tests on me? What were you thinking?” His words were angry, but his voice was muted and somber like a man morosely recalling the past.

  “I . . . I . . .” Kass was trying to find the words to defend herself, but she was coming up short. For some reason, Darwin’s empty, red eyes had pierced through her spirit and left her wordless and without a defense.

  “That’s enough, you two. She didn’t understand the ramifications of what she was doing.” Charles held up his right hand, gesturing for Darwin and Kass to be silent. “She isn’t lying. She mentioned several times during her pre-interview that she wouldn’t discuss anything other than her particular involvement in the system. She had no idea that the tiny pieces of information she released could be so damaging.”

  “Oh, so because it’s a--” Stephanie began to lay into Kass again, but didn’t make it far. Charles slammed his hand on the table, cutting her off mid-sentence.

  “Stephanie, please. For my sake, don’t make this into something more than it is. You know exactly how we humans are. Full of errors, yes?” He gave her a stern look.

  How we humans are? Is Stephanie not a human? Is she like Darwin? These people are demons . . . in real life? Questions started racing through Kass’s head as Charles had obviously stressed the word ‘human.’